Flowing in the Vine Life Diary – 7
11 Let us, therefore, be diligent to enter that rest, lest anyone fall according to the same example of disobedience. Hebrews 4 vs 11
Today I am going to talk about something I wasn’t really sure if I should talk about right now when there is not yet a turnaround but I realized that in thinking like that, I was basically trying to cover my back just-in-case things don’t go the way I want them to. I had to take a moment and pause and realize that God is faithful, even if the outcome is not what I want at the end of the day, He would provide exceedingly abundantly above what I could ever ask or think. He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, so I just really need to stop thinking about my ‘image’ or what people would think if I don’t get what I want. And as I am writing this I am realizing that I was trying to censor myself and what I say to prevent myself from future ‘embarrassment’ when I only have a few people reading my blog, so what would happen when I get to 50, a 100 or more?
The point of the blog is to share Christ and the journey He is taking me on and today the reminder I got and the experience I am going through is important in that journey. So I am just going to ignore that part of me that doesn’t want to talk about it and just write it down. So to begin with, Zimbabwe (where I am from) just went through a crazy couple of weeks where the exchange rate for US Dollars just went up like crazy. As a country, we have been using both US Dollars and bond-notes which are supposed to represent a local currency of sorts I guess. (I wouldn’t know how to explain it without giving wrong information.) The US dollar and the bond-notes are obviously not equal in value and so there is an active busy market of money exchange. There were a lot of things that happen that got this exchange rate go up but I am not going to go into any of those things in this blog.
Now the reason the exchange rate is important in this story is that I am in the process of trying to move out from home. I recently left my job to work on my dreams (a crazy story for another day), that is writing, and I decided that I need my own space to be able to work comfortably without too much disturbance. There is, of course, a lot more involved in that but a lot of it happen in my mind to be honest and I just wanted to be in a place where I am not busy imagining what everyone around me is thinking about me and what I am doing. For me when it comes to worrying about things, out of sight, out of mind seems to be the motto. So natural conclusion is moving out and being away from other people for a bit. Also, the timetable or plan that came up with for myself over the weekend needs a lot more flexibility than I would get living at home.
There are definitely some practical reasons as to why I want to move out but honestly, one of them is to run away from the movies I have been making in my mind. One could ask if I really think that’s going to work because I will be taking my mind with me, but again, if they are not with me, I don’t care what I think they may be thinking. They being my family. What I think they are thinking is not going to stop me from doing what I want, but thinking, about thinking- about what they may be thinking could definitely slow me down. And all I want for this process is peace in my mind because I want to be able to hear God clearly without all the chatter in my brain.
Well God has definitely been dealing with me in regards to that and has asked me more than once who my source was and if that source could not make me prosper in an environment that is, in my mind, emotionally tense. Obviously, God seems to be hinting to the fact that we need to stop creating the movies in our mind, to begin with, and He can do that for us. Earlier on I said okay God, help me thrive in this environment that I am most scared of in this time. But here is the thing, my name used to be impatient…and the symptoms of that don’t seem to be going anywhere quick fast or in a hurry. God, when you say I will be able to prosper in the environment, I thought you meant that I was not going to be wasting my time making all these movies in my mind. Or at least that I was going to be able to disregard the movies the moment they were formed. Why does this feel like a battle?
So obviously me and God are still working through some things. I should probably stop ascribing my own meanings to what God is saying to me and get the whole picture of what He means…but I still struggle with hearing what He is saying…Here is the thing though, even if those movies were to go away, I would still want my own space. I share a room with my teenage brother and a let me tell you, it’s not fun. Also, the room is super small I want enough space to have my things organized the way I want them for best productivity. Now I hear a voice saying once again that with God I can do all things in this tiny room but I don’t want that, I want my own space.
Then, of course, there is the fact that I want to 100 % be able to have control of time, that means that I want to be able to write at the end of the day between 3pm and 8pm without having to worry about having to cook for people or any other tasks that might crop up. Now, this all sounds selfish a little bit but its what I want. But then again a thought comes into my head, God can make me creative at any other time than that. So how about this, whether I have a valid reason or not, I just want to move out. I have never really lived on my own before and right now as I make a lot of changes in my life, I feel like this is the time. I need to spread my wings a little bit.
And here is the thing, even if I get to do it for just two to three months and then have to move back home, I don’t care, it needs to happen. (And in those three months I will have space to myself to write and be able to control my time to do all the other things I want to do and I won’t have to worry about what anyone else may or may not be thinking.) So earlier own a couple of months ago as I was trying to plan for this, I saved a couple of US dollars that I wanted to use for survival after leaving work. They are not much but if I can get something super cheap I could live off of it for three months.
However here is the thing, if I have a God who can make me thrive in an imagined hostile environment, change my creative time and make me prosper in that small space, I also have a God who can get me accommodation that is exceedingly abundantly above what I could ever ask or think and provide a way for me to pay for that accommodation without me having to strive for it. I have a God who can get me a job in something creative to help me pay for the rent or who can even get me free accommodation. I mean He who did not withhold His only Son from us how could He not with Him also freely give us all things right? His word says that, not me.
So this had been my thinking for a couple of weeks now, but to be honest, I was depending on the few hundred dollars I have. And so I asked God if I should sell the money I had, to be honest, I have done it before, though its not an idea I am comfortable with as a child of God. My mind always tells me that what I am doing is something that God probably doesn’t approve of. So I asked Him, should we change it, and if we should can He get us a slightly higher rate? A couple days later the rate spiked up to more than just a little higher, it went crazy higher, to the point that if I had sold my dollars I would have had at least $2000 in my account from just a few hundred dollars.
I would have, being the key phrase. For whatever reason, I didn’t sell the money. I almost did a couple of times but I just never went through with it, whether it was because of the advice of those around or if it was battle with trying to figure out if God was saying I should do it. I mean I had a moment of thinking I prayed for a higher rate, but the crazy rate came with so much pain and suffering for a lot of people that I just wasn’t sure if it was God. I mean God brings success without suffering and painful toil right?
Whether my thinking was right or not, and whether I listened to God or missed His provision, the point is I am pretty much still stuck where I started. I don’t have $2000 in my account to tide me over for the next few months. And do you know what that meant in my mind, it meant we need to work on our writing and improve our skills so we can get a writing job somewhere that could earn our a couple bucks as we work on writing some books and publishing them. And this meant that we need to move out now because being at home is not the most convenient for us. In my mind, I would rather starve whilst I am living on my own and making the progress I want to make than be at home and ‘suffer’ through the slow process of trying to get things together. I should probably add that I have been hoping being in a new and different environment would help to establish new habits and behaviors, which again is depending on myself and on the physical environment and not on God.
I listened to Let Go and Let God Supply by Joseph Prince this morning and it was kind rebuking me left right and center while encouraging at the same time. Before I heard the sermon, I woke up thinking about what my cousin had said to me the night before. He had told me that if I had sold my money I would be rich now, and yes, having $2000 would have been rich considering my situation. And now I was thinking about how I had totally missed my opportunity of God’s provision and how I needed to get my act together and stop being so indecisive to the point of missing big opportunities.
I was also telling myself that I need to stop talking to people and letting them confuse me when I have made a decision and to just do my thing. And you know what God said to me, that whether or not I had made a dumb decision, why was I thinking the battle was now mine? God in His word said He can make every situation work together for my good, I guess that means even my mistakes. So why was I all doom and gloom and getting anxious and depressed about a battle that wasn’t mine?
The Spirit then reminded me that His word did not return to Him void and He had promised He would provide for me. He reminded me of the word I had received from Him through my pastor, Dr. Madambi where God had not only said He was changing my name, but that I should not worry about accommodation or money because He was taking care of it all for me. This happened two weeks ago, on the 30th of September, and yet the whole time since then I have been going back and forth being worried about both accommodation and how to pay for the accommodation. One day I am confessing that my God shall provide and the next day I am worrying and trying to figure out a plan for my future. I get that trusting Him doesn’t mean being lazy but it also doesn’t mean looking for shortcuts and over-worrying about it all.
And then this all brings a topic to mind where one of my friends said that I wasn’t trusting God that’s why I am going through everything I am going through and I did not appreciate that comment. Entering God’s rest is battle, the Bible itself says we should labour to enter His rest and a single bold statement of just saying I am not trusting God does not sit well with me because as I replied her, I do trust God, I have for years now as far as I am concerned but I am still going through so much. And yeah, she wasn’t completely wrong but maybe its the way she said it…or maybe its just me.
But here is the thing, if I was in an accident and if I was sick and healing was a long time coming I don’t think that you would just come up to me and say oh that happened because you are not trusting God. And guess what for some people or in some situation it could be true but in others its far from the truth. But whatever the case, I don’t thinking pointing someone to an ‘inadequacy’ is the way forward. Well maybe let me not speak for others but to me, it wasn’t at all encouraging or uplifting. And even now when I can admit that I struggle with worry and where there is a worry there is a lack of trust, I still don’t like what she said…or how she said it. But then that says more about me than her I guess.
In any case, in the sermon I listened to today, Pastor Prince said that in our journey we all go through levels of rest. When we rest, we could receive 30% manifestation of our miracle and we need to not stop there but to keep listening to sermons that build us up in Christ and bring us to a place of even more rest until we get to 60% and then a 100%. And for some people, it happens all at once but for some of us, it just seems like it’s a battle. And my current battle is with the issue of accommodation and money.
I was just getting so focused on the demand before me and my incapability to handle it instead of focusing on my source. God is my source, I am definitely not my own source. And the battle is His and I just need to let go and hold my peace. I mean the battle isn’t just about money, its also about specific accommodation because I also don’t just want to just go anywhere where it’s not God approved, but again, I can’t seem to hear Him, or get any options that look good enough for me to try and say, God, is this the place? I am just so confused but I have to let go and believe my God shall provide for me all I want, He is my shepherd and I shall not want. So today I have to let go of this again and let God.
Of course, He could say I am not going anywhere and make me stay at home but His word says He gives us both the willingness and the ability to do for His good pleasure, so if that’s the outcome then so be it. I just really need a clear answer from Him as to what His plan for me is. It’s no longer I that lives but Christ through me and I don’t want to head away from whatever plans He has for me. So again, a clear answer or specific direction from Him would be great.
I kind of feel like I am on a roller-coaster, today I write that I am operating on His peace and tomorrow I am struggling again. I write the battle is His and then the next I have to be talking about letting go and letting God. I have, for a long time, known that when I hold on He lets got, but when I let go, He goes to work but if you are to look at my life…
Cassie, you really need to meditate on the fact that He is your righteousness, you are I AM’s, He’s got you.
Just let go and keep your hands and mind off. Go in the strength of the Lord.